NHS Gets New Quantum Medical Machine

A new treatment that has amazing health benefits, has been developed in Eastern Europe.

Professor Ludwig Lippensticht, the inventor, says his system can promote weight loss, hair growth, and clarification of the complexion almost instantly! The treatment works at the quantum level and no chemical medication is involved, the patient is treated by the insertion of a nano-probe that is attached to a special machine. Complete details of the machine are still secret but the professor wants to show that no quackery or trickery of any kind is employed, and so has provided the following partial technical description of the machine’s workings that will be of interest to scientists and technically minded persons.

The secret lies in the rearrangement of quarks (the building blocks of matter) by using a special mangulatory field whose range is very small but easily spans the very short quantum distances. The field is generated by taking the output of two oscillators and mixing them to produce a differentially integrated heterodyne signal. The first oscillator uses voltafaradation techniques, whilst the second relies upon capacitosaturation coupled with resistorial inductocoercivity. These signals are then fed into a double-balanced mixer comprised of biologically-doped geranium diodes, the mixer output is then amplified causing squegging megacurrents to flow through sub-atomic spicules aligned in high permittivity mode. This gives complete control of the quarks allowing them to be arranged in a manner suitable for the desired effect, generally, up and down quarks are converted into diagonal quarks whilst strange quarks are eliminated entirely.

The exact geometry of the quarkological effect is still secret; a switch governing the process is labelled appropriately for each treatment, so the user has a simple interface to deal with. Prof. Lippensticht wishes to make clear that the known dangers of field mangulation are not a problem with his machine, automatic demangulation takes place upon probe extraction.

As to availability, the professor has indicated that the British NHS will be the first recipients of the machine.

"The British NHS has shown remarkable stupidity...er, sorry, foresight (my English not so good) when it comes to offering new treatments like crystal healing, homeopathy and dowsing", said Lippensticht.

"I feel it appropriate that their victims...ach! so sorry again, I mean patients, should be the first to get the benefits of my new technology", concluded the professor.

A spokesperson for the New Age department of the NHS said:

"We will implement the new machine immediately, it won't undergo double-blind testing, we've found that technique to be useless with alternative medicine; nothing ever passes!"