Animal Rights Activists

This group seem to have lost a large part of their reasoning power (or maybe they never had any) their willingness to desecrate human graves in an attempt to advance their cause will, I’m sure, do nothing for them. Instead it will mark them as unbalanced persons prone to the commission of dangerous acts of folly.

I have nothing against animals myself – I even had a dog that I liked more than some people – but I managed to keep a balanced view, I think more of people in general, than I do of animals. Most of us are aware that many - if not most - medical advances made, are largely as a result of animal experimentation; the humble mouse has been of great help to us, ask any biologist. People who commit crime on behalf of animals should be treated in a way that forces them to think carefully about the long term.

I propose a simple way of dealing with them as follows:

• They should have to register themselves as Animal Rights Activists (or whatever title they choose) with the government. Initially of course, registration would be voluntary unless they committed a crime which would make it mandatory.
• Such a nationally maintained database would enable medical staff to withhold on logical grounds, treatment obtained through animal research (i.e. most of it) from any registered person seeking medical assistance. Any activist not wishing to look like an idiot would of course have to agree with this policy. Let them put their health where their mouth is. As a small concession, I suppose we could make arrangements with local zoos to allow activists to seek help from their animal friends.
• Before giving blood, I would urge all donors to get a signed and sworn statement that their gift will not be used to help registered activists. Would you give your life-blood to a person who thinks more of animals than they do of you? I wouldn’t!
• Finally, all activists should carry a national; “turn-me-into-pet-food” card so that they can properly be processed when they die. This scheme would also create jobs because of the special new buildings and butchers required! On second thought, I see that the money for this would have to come from the activists (I certainly wouldn’t pay) so I further propose that they be forcibly licensed. Because of their relatively small numbers the fee would not be trivial but I think £500 annually from each activist ought to cover it.

I think I might send this proposal to Downing Street – see what Tony thinks of it.