Burqas Are Dead

(Readers tip: start at "Bush's Burqa Deal" below )

It is with mixed feelings that I report to you on the death of the American burqa.

In a shock announcement the President, flanked by Falwell, Ashcroft and Victoria Vindictive of the ASF, said that with a heavy heart, he was forced to shelve the burqa project indefinitely. Citing failure of the Afghani supplier as the reason, Bush stated that he felt personally cheated by "Them "b******* in Afghanistan".

"That's the thanks I get after all the help I gave them", he said.

In interview, Falwell said that he, Ashcroft and Vindictive, had spent the last week trying to get the burqas manufactured in the USA.

"All the companies said they could make them, but the price of the burqa would rise to $350 instead of the $25 we'd already promised the American people", said Falwell.

"We realize that such an increase would do our re-election prospects no good at all, so we had to admit defeat", he said.

I immediately contacted Mustapha Phag, head of the Afghani consortium, to get his side of the story.

"Yes, it's true", said Phag.

"We turned Bush down because he didn't want to honour his side of the deal".

"It's not about money, it was trying to avoid the religious issue that angered us", fumed Phag.

After much cajoling, I managed to get Phag to give me the scoop. It seems that as part of the original deal to get each burqa for for 60 cents and a Big Mac, Bush had agreed that he would get legislation passed that would grant all followers of Islam immediate United States citizenship, with six months free accomodation in a luxury hotel while they looked for a job. Additional legislation would be passed forcing American employers to hire the Muslims at a special, Islamic-only, minimum wage rate of $50 per hour.

"I guess the spineless little bastard had second thoughts when he got back home", sneered Phag.

"Well, fuck him and his GOP, he'll get no cheap burqas here", were his closing comments.

Well folks, I guess that MAB, AAAB, and most others will feel they've won a victory even if it wasn't their efforts that achieved it. I had a final word with Bertha Bulbous of BAG, the minority group.

"We're very upset" said Bulbous.

"We larger-than-normal ladies always get fucked, well... we don't get fucked, but we get fucked figuratively if you see what I mean", she cried.

I expressed my sympathies and slipped silently away.